Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.

[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]

“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.

Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?

Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot

Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?

Me: What kind of gravy do you have?

reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”

If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.

i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.

“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”

~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*

Coming out of the dressing room at a store…

Me: What do think?

Husband: I like the pants but not the shirt.

Me:

Husband:

Me: But this is my own shirt that I have been wearing all day 😐

My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.

Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it

Today I looked in the mirror and didn’t like who was looking back at me.

It was my neighbour standing behind me. Like dude, why you in here?

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*