Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.

IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”

I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.

Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?

Patient: I can’t say I do.

Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.

I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.

While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.

INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat

ME: omg was I supposed to bring one

I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

Watching the lawn mowing guy on YouTube. Always pushing the products. He’s actually got this stupid t-shirt that says “I’m sexy and I mow it.”

Mine should be here in a few days.

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

Does beer think about me too?

Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?

If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?

proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all

As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.

The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.

Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.

Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?

Me: No, I said I’d like to.

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.

Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2

MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard