6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
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*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
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Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
You should always wear a helmet if you ride a motorcycle, bicycle or ski or talk about politics.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Any movie can be a Christmas movie if you eat 37 sugar cookies while watching.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*