6 YEAR OLD: how hard do you have to punch someone in the butt to make it fall off?
You Might Also Like
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Now colored!
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
wife: sure is nice around here when the kids are out
me: mm hm
wife: quiet
me:
wife: calm
me:
wife: peaceful
me:
wife: no witnesses
me: what
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Tastes like chicken.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
so logan paul and jake paul are different people?
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”