6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
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Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
want me to check your oil?
“I can’t feel my legs”
–mermaids
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter