6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
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Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
How funny!
I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
INTERVIEWER: You put “summoning demons” as a special skill?
ME: That’s right.
INTERVIEWER: *sweating profusely* When can you start?
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.