Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders

Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak

Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.

That’s amazing can I get a bud light please

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today

If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.

you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

So single the neighborhood cats make ME dinner

AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers

“Church of England Formally Approves Female Bishops”. Congratulations British women! You can now move diagonally!

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

“Girl, same.”

– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”

It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.

Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.

2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting

Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!

me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any

also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.