Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dinner party at spooky castle]

host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..

guests: *gasp*

host: ..without a HUG!

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?

Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]

Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.

It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.

I propose we rename our seasons:

• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit

Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.

“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”

-captain of the Titanic

[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]

Me: how many am I allowed

Guy: just one

Me: we’ll see

Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.