Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOVING IS AWESOME

I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE

OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL

Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.

“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.

FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago

I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.

If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.

Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.

Me: what makes you say that?

Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?

Wife: see what I me-

Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.

Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public

The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.

going ballistic. anyone need anything?

Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*

Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.

Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*

Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!

Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.

Picking up some anvils, tunnel paint, and dynamite balloons

Getting ready for school this morning:

Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”

5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”

Me: “……..no.”

Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.

My therapist: try working on your active listening skills

Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

insane that you have to defend yourself at the end of the ph.d. why are you attacking me i’m so tired

why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha

Bobby pin