Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

My dogs are always 100% by my side, unless my kids are eating food in their rooms, which they are not to do. So, whenever I am sans dogs, I yell, “Get the food outta your room!”

Just heard my 10 y/o say to his Fortnite buds, “Omg you guys, I think my mom’s a witch!”

Success😎

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!

One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?

God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple

Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no

God: …where’s Adam?

In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?

Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.

me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”

Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

Date: So what do you do?

Me: I’m a script editor.

Me: Are you any good?

Me: No.

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.

My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.

Most terrifying carousel ride ever.