Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

husband: you need to stop buying so much cheese for our guests

me: yes…for our guests

The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home

First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*

People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too

They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

Operator: what’s your emergency

Me: my fridge fell on me

Operator: is anything broken

Me: some eggs maybe

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

[ Blind date ]

Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.

Her: ummmm

Me: whatcha thinking?

Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.

boss: sorry, we have to let you go

me: in the middle of a work retreat?

boss *severing my rock climbing rope*

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

Thinking of getting into the mongering business, I just don’t know if I should do war, fear, or fish.

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow

i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.

JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

*seduces you by wearing a sundress

*ruins it by running in flip flops

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”