6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
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Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
presenting your incognito window wrapped
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*