Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?

Pet Store: Aluminum I think

Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?

Pet Store: Don’t you dare!

Me: It’s a nickleless cage

Pet Store: GET OUT!

its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk

Them: what charity are you raising money for?

Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

on my driver’s license I look like a hobo

in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes

the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?

Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.

Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.

3: mommy, you’re the best

me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!

3: me too

Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*

My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?

edward fingerhands

Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda

I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.

I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.

Does she really think I am going to let her leave?

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds

I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.

No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickers

And the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?