6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
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The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
If you watch an Apple store get robbed, are you an iWitness?
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Admin smashed it 😂
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
This headline is a thing of beauty
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”