6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
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I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
Show me on the doll where the sandwich hurt you
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
(grounding my kid) go outside.
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
for all #parents out there
