Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?

Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress

Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?

Neil Armstrong: …yes.

Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…

Me: what a great place to bury a body!

I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.

Me: When do you install the lasers?

Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…

Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?

GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?

ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers

GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee

I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?

Lube but for my dry humor.

Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project

“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”

– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

12: My favorite band is Green Day

Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?

Me: Clifford’s cousin

Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.

You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..

….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up

Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?

I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.

Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!

Barista: Can I get a name?

Me: Free

[Later]

Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free

*fights break out as I smile from the corner*

“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”

– Large intestines

When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.