6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
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When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
me: [stroller shopping] how much for this one
clerk: do you have a baby
me: would you accept cash instead
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
“Am I The A******? I punted my son into a volcano for not doing his homework”
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
i was dropped as an adult
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.