Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
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My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*
*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
God must have really liked saturn