6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

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Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”

Me: “yes”

In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”


My girlfriend keeps talking about getting married, I hope she meets a really nice guy.


The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…

I’m gonna miss that baby…


Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-

*puts TV remote to my ear*

Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.


We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices


A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”

I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder

Flirting is hard


*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues*

*I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*


Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me