6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
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do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
seems like a niche market
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
A guy at the bar asked me to pass him the salt and pepper, so I punched him in the face and yelled, GET YOUR OWN DISTINGUISHED HAIR JERK!
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I’ll never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.