6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

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Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.

My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”


“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”


[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
[murder roles reverse]


I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.


Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis


Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.


The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep


I don’t even understand Fantasy Football.

There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks.

I call bullshit.


I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?