6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
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The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced