Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
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“Son, hey son”
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Me: and you didnt empty it
[murder roles reverse]
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
I don’t even understand Fantasy Football.
There are no Dragons, Wizards, or hot ass Elven chicks.
I call bullshit.
I wonder what people with house phones posted on MySpace today?