@Lhlodder

6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

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@Kid_topher

“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”

@GrantTanaka

Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”

@fro_vo

Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*

@AristotlesNZ

Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own
5yo: Ok
Me:.
5yo:.
Me:.
5yo: How do I do that?

@gintastic_

A year ago today, I started my job as a stay at home alcoholic.

@DaHess1

Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that’s why I’ll never give Jesus my real phone number.

@Jandalize

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

@The_JRM

If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.

@Richman_89

I’m not sure if Tom Petty is dead, but I’m absolutely sure journalism is.