6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.

Me: I don’t like your tone.

6: What does “tone” mean?

Me: I don’t like your voice.

6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.

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“Ride or die” seems a bit dramatic. I’m looking for a “ride or maybe go our separate ways if things aren’t working out.”


Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”


Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*


Me: I cant tell you how to do everything. You need to figure out how to do things on your own
5yo: Ok
5yo: How do I do that?


A year ago today, I started my job as a stay at home alcoholic.


Whenever someone dies they always tell me God called them home so that’s why I’ll never give Jesus my real phone number.


People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.


If I were in a musical, I’d get fired in a week. Keep a straight face while someone looks in my eyes & sings to me? Nope. Sorry. Impossible.


I’m not sure if Tom Petty is dead, but I’m absolutely sure journalism is.