Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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never compromise your values

New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point

NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house

serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick

assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?

i once fainted from a paper cut so if jigsaw puts me in a trap that’s a wrap. rip.

If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?

Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.

I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.

Easy now bro smoking a strawberry cheesecake flavoured vape! I don’t want no trouble.

Wrong answers only

Answer: Marriage

I am 5’3. I have a date this week with a man who is 6’4. How many ibuprofen will I need for my neck from having my head permanently tilted up if this goes anywhere?

Other moms: I hate summer break

Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes

According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

*just after death, I head toward a bright light*

ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?

JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*

ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”

—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson

My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”

I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!

Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings

As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled

[looking at my pill caddy]

My wife: Are these… M&M’s?

Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed