Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*me carrying in all of the groceries

Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying

On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?

ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*

ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any

I have two selves:

One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense

6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?

Me: Because I’m a plumber

One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero

me: *applies to cult*

cult: no thx

The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.

[meeting the parents]

Dad: what do you think of Baroque?

Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint

-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume

I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle

taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals

You get to choose which path you take.

I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.

My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.

I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer

Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat

If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”

People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.

me: what’s your name?

alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue

me: is it jeff?

alien:

me:

alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.