6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
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Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Me :
All Day At Night
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
My house has been so messy lately, I’m making myself watch Hoarders to motivate me to clean it so I don’t end up starring in an episode.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
[petting a cat]
Owner: He’s my little fur baby
Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.