Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

Signs your wife is cheating:

1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend

my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.

Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.

Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

47 years ago today, Soap debuted.

We don’t talk enough about how brilliant and underrated this show was.

This scene. 😂😂😂

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.

26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.

36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

More like Kate Missington.

There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.

[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…

I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.

Best table by far

Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000

Papa John:

Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes

Papa John: And that’s…

Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas