@AndrewNadeau0

6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

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@Spaziotwat

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

@Bagyants

When a computer program says “Not Responding” I start texting it stuff like “Who are you with?” and “Just heard our song”

@weinerdog4life

I like to push the “stop time” button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.

@NowAPisces

Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”

@realHamOnWry

Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.

@capnmcfword

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

@DothTheDoth

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

@Not_a_JesusGirl

I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”

@LibyaLiberty

My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.