6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.

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[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”


When a computer program says “Not Responding” I start texting it stuff like “Who are you with?” and “Just heard our song”


I like to push the “stop time” button on the microwave and walk around in slow motion until my wife calls me an idiot.


Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”


Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.


He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.


Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.


I hate it when I’m at someone’s house and they ask stupid questions like “Who are you?” and “Is that a gun?”


My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.