Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t

Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

Me: That’s the murder house on the street.

Friend: That’s your house.

Me: Yea

OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!

*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*

Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.

I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad

Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.

[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenade

SARGE: mine

ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade

[at office Halloween party]

Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards

That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.

Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’

If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”

SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!

*brings lunch to work*

All my money goes to the poor…poor me.

Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.

Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.