6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
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My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
“I SWEAR TO GOD, SANTA WILL FLING HIMSELF OVER THIS HOUSE LIKE A SPEED BUMP IF YOU DON’T STOP FIGHTING.”
— Advent door 21
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
8: but grandma let me
Me: well my mom is cooler than yours
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.