Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*

[me as a drug dealer]

Me: wanna buy some acid?

Guys: yeah, whaddya got?

Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic

Guys: (stab me repeatedly)

“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.

Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

8:00 AM: Too tired to think

Noon: Too tired to think

5:00 PM: Too tired to think

Midnight: How do dragons blow out candles??

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.

5-year-old:

Me:

5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.

[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl

She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.

Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.

I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.

That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.

Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!

Huh. You look upset.

ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?

GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?

Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar

Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…

My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting