6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
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[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop