6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
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Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Pretty much. 🤣
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Mugger: Put all your cash in this bag.
Me, caught up in a MLM scheme: What if I told you that instead of money I have the power to be my own boss?
Mugger: Oh wow you really have nothing.
Me: Come and rob me in like four weeks I swear I’ll have so much money
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Unexpected Judgment
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.