6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
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Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
THEM: Hey, I haven’t seen you for a while.
ME: As planned.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
It’s like 10,000 goons
When all you need
Is a knight
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.