6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
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“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
I think I’ll stand
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
Filling my pez dispenser with ibuprofen for whimsical pain relief
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
my gf told me she slept with 5 different women in college and said she “experimented” girl that’s not experimenting you did peer reviewed research
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
some things should go without saying
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out