6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
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Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
this picture pisses me off so bad. no bread or cheese but we brought the fucking pinecones. i’d be so pissed if my girlys showed up to the picnic with this shit. id be taking big bites of that pine cone saying MMM YUMMY just to make a point
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
#catsoftwitter
It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
ME: *lying on deathbed*
DEATH: get off my bed
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]
GIRL: I wanna marry you
BOY 1: 😲
BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?