Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.

When the app is running smoothly, no one acknowledges the developers. But when it glitches for two seconds, suddenly we’re the most popular guys in the building.

Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland

I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.

What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:

10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)

cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man

detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide

cop: I don’t get it

detective: bc you have no friends, neil

[turns to guy at next urinal]
“When the Little Mermaid became human how did she know how to use a toilet? BIG-TIME plot hole in my opinion”

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it

Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.

it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name

boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?

me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve

If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.

This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step

i installed a ceiling fan in my room

*steps out of time machine*

SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?

ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”

“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire

ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.

dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.