6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
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Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
