6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
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I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
My hot flashes are so bad, I’m not allowed to go anywhere near Greenland.
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
These quiet electric cars are really annoying… I have to stop scrolling and look up while walking outside now!
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Fun things to try with your loved ones #32145
If you find yourself with a friend or a family member in an enclosed space such as a car or an elevator:
1)Release a ‘silent but deadly’ fart
2)Ask them, “Hey! Do you smell popcorn?!”They inhale deeply…
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials