Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it

My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”

Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”

“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”

“Huh?”

*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask

can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock

You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”

Joke’s on them; I DIDN’T make my bed and I’m STILL gonna lie in it!

wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?

I don’t know if I’m just renewing my driver’s license every year or if I’m aging like a store bought banana.

Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.

Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya

I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?

It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.

Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.

Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.

I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.

Cereal is basically dog food for humans.