6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
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“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
Well well well…
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
My support group can outdrink your support group.
you can lead a squid to water but you can’t make it ink
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.