6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
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I have said this before, but it’s weird when you realize that what you thought was rock bottom was actually somewhere around rock middle
On Tuesday, my husband and I celebrate 19 years of marriage, and I need gift ideas. What do I buy for a man who already has an incredible wife?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Gotta love those girls in department stores wearing lab coats–taking time away from their experiments to help women out with their makeup.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
If someone at the party talks about tossing the salad I instinctively look to see who is trying to hold in their giggles.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Y’all ready for this
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.