6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
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You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Smells like a challenge to me
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else