Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old

my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself

COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately

There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.

Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

{first date}

HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?

I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.

I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

people who take naps are the real heroes out there, it takes courage to wake up twice in a day.

Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*

Friend: When I said pet with the grain

My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.

Me: You grew. How is that my fault?

5: You fed me.

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

“You could have done so much better than him.”

Me: Mom, I’m right here.

I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.

What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?

A gas station.

I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz