6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
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Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
I nearly broke my toe because the coffee table didn’t look where it was going.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Before I play it, I hold the needle from the record and whisper 3..2..1.
It’s the vinyl countdown.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war