6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
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I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
I have two kinds of followers
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.