Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

Growing up was a huge mistake

A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.

When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.

The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.

And then the fortune cookie company fired me

Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?

Priest: yes

Me: and he rose from the grave

Priest: yes…

Me: because of the yeast?

Priest: no

Me: okay, none of this makes sense

I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.

My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.

I see where she gets it from.

Tv: He is in cardiac arrest

My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart

Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.

I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES

Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”

Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.

My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.

I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.

Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.

For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.

No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.

Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.