6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Where the hell are all the scissors?!
– a parenting memoir
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover