6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
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This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
You should trust your gut but you should not listen to your anxiety. Good luck
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Door dash is the closest thing I’ll ever experience to being actual royalty like bring me a dozen freshly made donuts and a bottle of your finest bourbon!
But your majesty, it’s 9:30 at night and…
I said be quick about it!
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.