Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power

ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.

Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.

Thanks to a fan for this one!

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

The neighbors with the baby moved out, and now the loudest crying heard throughout the entire apartment complex comes from me.

Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?

Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.

Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.

Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.

This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

[at my funeral]

pastor: hey this casket is empty

me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.

If I’m reading their lips correctly, it looks like my neighbors are having an argument about the creepy guy next door.

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…

Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.

🤝

Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.

I got confused by all the yard signs, and I think I may have voted for a realtor.

alien: we have come to destroy all humanity

me: hell yeah

alien: what? I said we have co-

me: hurry up

[bank holdup]

Bank teller: interesting choice in masks

Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores

A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.