Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.

Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?

*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?

Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.

going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again

My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am

Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*

Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.

Me: Where did your husband go to law school?

Client: He didn’t.

Me: So you should probably just do what he says.

Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual

“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”

That’ll be $2.60

“with egg”

$7.78

NVM no egg

$17.83

“What?”

[at gun point] give us ur wallet

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.

“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada

The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.

My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.

Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”

My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?

Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.

The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.

PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.

Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?

Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.

“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.

Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it

Him: What’s your cup size?

Me: Venti