Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.

How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow

T-REX: oh great

*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]

me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom

my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?

[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”

Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton

[murder scene]

Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail

SD2- Let’s track him down

*10 hours later*

SD1-Damn that guy is fast

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

Napped wrong, so if you need me, I’ll be turning at the waist to look around like I’m 1989 Batman.

[at the vets]

ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me

VET: Your chicken is a cock

ME: Tell me about it

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

Hank is one in a melon.

I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??

Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called

Top 3 screwdrivers:

1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment

My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.