6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

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My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.


If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.


if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993


What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard


I had this one night stand, and the next morning I felt so guilty I bought another one for the other side of the bed.


Everyone quits smoking when they die, which sucks cause dying is a really stressful event that would be helped quite a bit by a cigarette.


Apple and Puma have developed smart track pants, they’re called iPumaPants.


I can feel my gut hanging out of my t-shirt but it’s hidden by my hoodie so basically my secret identity is Winnie the Pooh.


ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now


ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all


The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.