6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
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*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Not my job 😂
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[Using My Shrink Ray]
Me: I feel so small
Ray: *taking notes* Let’s explore that
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
You can’t believe it’s autumn already? Please stop expressing surprise at the linear nature of time. The correct emotion is disappointment.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application