Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.

In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP

My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle

7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.

I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”

The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser

I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

My favorite animal is fried chicken.

when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face

I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”

Mice are just frozen Mwater.

[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR

Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night

i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

What type of magazine do cows read?

Cattlelogs.

*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*

*winks*

Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.

#Caturday

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.