Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A room full of people:   ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀  ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*

“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.

Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.

My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.

That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…

Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid

Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid

@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”

*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks*

*wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*

My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute

Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.

That’s a lie.

On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

You should be tunashamed of yourself!

me: dinosaurs can’t jump

her: how do u know

me: they’re dead Linda

My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Me: I have nothing to say

Also me: AND ANOTHER THING