6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
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My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
You ever walk behind someone and you haven’t seen their face yet but you just KNOW they have a mustache
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
He is just living hist best little life 😊
The options really are this bad
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.