6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
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[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
Life is getting worse in small but noticeable ways almost every day, but on the other hand, the quality and variety of the frozen pizza aisle has never been better.
Darth Vader: they blew up the Death Star
Emperor: [laughing] I overinsured it by 8 trillion imperial credits
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Seriously guys, you have no idea how much nothing I can accomplish when I’m on Twitter.
This could’ve been an email.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
#SuperBowl
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago