Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.

Jesus H. Christ.

Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.

ME: [staring off into distance]

HER: what’s wrong?

M: nothing

H: talk to me

M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting

me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now

obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.

click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever

Hey retailers selling clear purses in response to venues’ draconian bag policies, we see right through you.

[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me

To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?

Me: I’ve lost the dictionary

Her: Can you look upstairs?

Me: I can’t look up anything

If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.

FINE, it was me!

[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!

“What’ll it be?”

[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan

My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.