6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
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How I begin all my work emails: I hope you’re doing okay during this very difficult time of being away from me.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
my mom decorated the apartments for the cats
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
This is my pinned tweet
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
In Canada they just call them geese