Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Drunk stranger: my kids drive me to drink.

Me, having to drive myself places: *whispers* lucky.

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

Me: I hate people.

H: I challenge you to say something positive.

Me: I’m positive I hate people.

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free

I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.

Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]

Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me

*notices battery is at 4%*
*goes into airplane mode*
*turns down brightness*
*exits all apps*
*prays to jesus and compliments his sandals*

Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.

Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.

Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios

*one of those scenarios turns out to be true

Me: I KNEW IT!

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

Me: is this dishwasher safe?

Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.

being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck

My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER

My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.

So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.

Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices