6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
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I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Whenever I see anyone tweeting about donuts, I think “ugh”. Not because I’m disgusted by deep-fried sugary treats, but because those are the letters I want to insert into the spelling.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean