Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!

Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.

6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)

Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?

If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair

Guide to making everyone hate you:

Step 1) Turn your hat backwards

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

I eat children for a living

You what?

I said I feed children

Oh haha thought you sa-

TO MY MOUTH

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING

Where’d he go? 😂💛

doggosbeingdoggos

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1635022095443738624/pu/vid/540x668/z7DExOFK0s5GcgV7.mp4?tag=12

Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and

Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.

Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

I could compete in the Olympics, I just need to run or swim faster. I think it would be easy to do

My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

ME: wow your correct

FRIEND: *you’re

ME: -ions are presumptuous

inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

Me: We need some ham.

Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.

Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

I think that’s enough internet for one day…