Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.

Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.

Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ

Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.

*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy

I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

doc: i think you’re dying

me: I want a second opinion

doc: i think it’s great

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”

* me, in public on more than one occasion.

Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!

12: It’s called texting.

A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.

I started at the bottom and worked my way down.

Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

I got a call the other day from my daughter asking if I could keep her kids over the long weekend so I said that would be fine

I don’t have a daughter, so some poor bastard is getting stuck with kids this weekend that he’s not ready for

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today

The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,

I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.

[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.

I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life