6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
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Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
*on my death bed* Why didn’t I just buy a normal bed?
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
14 said his friends called him the “drippiest” guy there tonight. Which apparently is a good thing cause I thought he fell into a pool or something.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
