6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
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I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall
King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra
*looks at recipe prep time: 10 minutes*
*two hours later*
Me: LIAR!
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”