[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
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I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Salad is the decaf of food.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
Good morning.
Someone filmed bats upside down and it looks like a goth nightclub
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!