60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
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Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.