Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

Cop: freeze sucker

Me: it’s called a popsicle

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

me: hi do you take walk ins?

funeral parlor director: what?

uh-oh. Bad news for Trump

Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?

Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.

*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading

If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda

Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.

My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

5: im so bored

me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen

5: im not very bored though

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.

OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.

REALIST: A train.

TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.

i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video

In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.

GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers

Burger King ~ you want cheese on that

Me ~ yes please

Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75

I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?