Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seriously, soup?

If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.

Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

[God creating cats]

God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to

‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

Laziness is a dish best served delivered.

It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!

Rose: I’ll never let go

Jack: are you sure aboat that lol

Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before

Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo

Rose: maybe you should let go

My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor

ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on

I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.

Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…

ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?

[The next day]

Andrew Ridgeley: So did she wake you up before she went went

George Michael: She woke me up before she went went

me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

Wife: I need some chicken stock.

Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.

Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!

This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

[first day as therapist]

patient: i’m in a weird place

me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap

I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes