Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
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Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Cheer up.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Krampus.
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.