Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.

What do we want?

Decisiveness!

When do we want it?

Ummm…

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

Wild falcons live to be about 13, so all the falcons in the wild today were born in the 21st century.

They’re millennial falcons.

I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase

I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco

Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.

Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.

Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.

Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.

And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?

Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.

“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*

Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?

Me: Yes, please.

Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.

*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*

The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar

Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]

I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.