Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie

How’s it going?

“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”

You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.

i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!

One of my dogs was puking, i got up to deal with it and the other dog stole part of my dinner. This was not random. This was a planned event.

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake

A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?

When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually

Trumpy Cat

The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

*3yo’s birthday*

Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?

3yo: ok *blows hard*

Me: great job

3yo: great blow job

Me:

3yo: ?

Me: …. just eat the cake

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

[limbo contest]

Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

Red light : Stop

Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution

Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…

The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.

I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.