Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a confession…

I don’t like Oreos.

And it feels so great getting that off my chest!

*blocked by all of Twitter*

WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected

ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

I feel like I have something to prove here.

Judge: That’s sort of how this works.

People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.

Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.

coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.

friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?

fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying

Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.

You see me wildly flailing my arms. Did I:
a) Walk through a spider web?
b) Try to wrap something in Saran wrap?
c) Try to use Scotch tape?

He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…

Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.

︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎

My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.

*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL

Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.

nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here

Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun

head lifeguard: your what

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

Wife: could you just run to the-

Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT

This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.

If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.

FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??

FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?

FamousJerk: H lp m l n!

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders

Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken

So…a deer was nice

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.