Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

In case you needed to hear it:

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!

So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.

If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.

Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”

Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”

Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?

I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷‍♂️

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it until you’re about to die and then eat an apple

Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’

I have chosen my priorities!

#studies #exams

But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.

Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.

Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!

With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013

We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

My husband gets so mad when I introduce him as my first husband.

A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.

And you’ve got two faces.

Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?

Did you also know I can run 83 mph?

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

[notice son’s not home]

[text]

Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!

17: You were my ride.

Me: Oh. Where are you again?