Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?

I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.

observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically

I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.

Society: Dance like no ones watching.

Also society: Records it for everyone to see.

Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far

Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”

Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise

Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?

Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what

Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!

He’s my kinda people.

Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.

My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.

there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks

I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.

Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…

“and how does that make you feel?”

I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.

Just trust me on this one.

Signed,

Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.

there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.

Today I had a chocolate frosted doughnut without sprinkles…….. diets can be tough!!

“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.

EGYPTIAN KING: we shall build religious monuments. they will baffle future science.

SUBJECT: what shall we worship?

EGYPTIAN KING: cats